As parents of teenagers are we too busy?

Last Friday I rose at 5.15am drove my children to and from the ice rink, twice, got my car assessed for repair, went to the bank, assisted with setting up a garage sale for a fundraising charity event and managed to squeeze in a visit to my GP for health checkups which has now led to more scans checks and specialist visits mostly due to the 3F’s Fifty, Flabby and Family history – all of this achieved by 1pm on my day off. Ok so I did manage to have lunch with a friend after that and make yet another trip to the ice rink. I work full time and so I took a day off work to fit all of this in. I think we as parents are incredibly busy. We need to take stock and see if we can work smarter rather than harder. It is all about work life balance. Make the most of life but remember to take time to smell the roses.

The Prodigal Not So Teenage Daughter has left home

Well the Prodigal Daughter has left home and hitch hiked her way to Melbourne. Fortunately she arrived safely. I spoke to her a few times during the week and asked if she had definately moved out as she had left again without any good-byes and was not around for her younger sister's birthday again much to her little sisters sadness.

The prodigal daughter has now given me permission to sort through her things and pack up usable items and permission to dicard non usable or ruined items left lying around cluttering up the house.

While this exercise in cleaning up is cathartic it is also one which brings mixed emotions of sadness to see a beautiful caring person with so much potential so hell bent on being oppositionally defiant that she has chosen a life of poverty and self focus over one of family support. This is entirely her choice and so as I pack up and clean up all of her stuff yet again I will set her free and send her things to her, readdress her mail for a while and let her live her life the way she choses without rescuing her so that she can learn by her mistakes and become a responsible self sufficient adult, one day.

Mothers' Day memories: From Toddlers to Teenagers

As we approach Mother's Day, I seem to have been surrounded by doting parents and their young children eagerly participating in weekend activities together. I think back to a time when I too was captured by the excitement of each mini milestone made by my children. I even have a recording of my children talking, recorded over a period of time for prosperity. Sounds of crying babies, children making animal sounds on cue, nursery rhymes and cheeky chatter bring memories flooding back.

When did life start getting so serious that as a parent of teenagers my concerns are no longer about toilet training, toddler tantrums and timeout but now involve more complex issues. My life now revolves around providing a teenager taxi service, teenagers obsession with Face Book and texting, emotional hormonal driven outbursts, theirs and mine, driving lessons, accruing driving hours, alcohol consumption and wondering where on earth my tough love teenager is and wondering if she is safe and well.

Sadly this is my first Mother’s Day without my mum which is perhaps the reason for the introspective contemplation.

I would like to wish all of the mums out there a very Happy Mothers’ Day. I hope that your families dote on you for a change. I am reminded of a quote which I have on a fridge magnet. “Mothers hold their children’s hands for a while but hold their hearts forever.”

Toughlove for Teenagers Launching your Adult Child

If you are wondering whether it is necessary to launch an adult child, ask yourself these five questions -
1. Is the present arrangement working for you?
2. Is your adult child moving toward independence?
3. Are you and your adult child cooperating as equals in a way that brings peace and serenity to the home?
4. Is the adult child paying his/her full share of the bills and shouldering his share of the responsibilities?
5. Are you going to live forever?
If you answer no to any of these questions, you should be able to see why it is necessary for you to launch your child into the “real” world of self sufficiency.
The Launching Process
1. Make your intention known – When you advise the launchee of your decision to launch there is no need for explanations or debate. They already know why. The conversation should be brief and include a statement like “I believe this is best for all of us”
2. Set a Date – 3 to 6 weeks is reasonable.
3. Let the Launchee make the arrangements – parents organising things will only hinder the launching process.
4. No Revolving Door a. All possessions go immediately – make sure the launchee moves ALL possessions and belongings.
b. New locks – DO NOT give him/her keys.
c. No treating House Like Home – DO NOT allow him/her to raid the refrigerator, take a shower or wash clothes.
d. Change Address Officially – notify the post office of change of address if the new address is known to you.
e. Stand Firm – DO NOT allow launchee to move back in with you regardless of the circumstances.
5. Guard Against Weakening Thoughts.
6. Make the First Launch the Last Launch.

If you found this information helpful or would like to find out more please visit the Toughlove website to find your local Toughlove group. Toughlove is a parent support group of like minded parents who are dealing with unruly teenagers in a supportive, non judgemental environment.

My Toughlove group have given me the support and encouragement that I have needed to cope with the many situations of dealing with my challenging daughter.

Teenagers dump mum from Facebook

I was delighted a while back when my 15 year old daughter decided to finally let me become her Facebook friend. I dutifully did not pass personal comments about her Facebook status or posts. However by being a Facebook friend to my older daughter, otherwise know as the prodigal daughter or the ToughLove kid, I was able to at least get some indication of where she was and what she was doing. I made the mistake of talking to her about a trip to Melbourne that she had planned after I had seen lots of comments from her and her friends about the possible trip. She gave a very non commital answer. Not long after this I was no longer her Facebook friend or my younger daughters. She and her younger sister also dropped Facebook friend status with anyone that I was also friends with including their brother.

I had not heard from my elder daughter for 3 weeks even though I had tried ringing and txting her phone that she said didn't work or did not turn on. She eventually rang my younger daughter to tell her she was in Melbourne and would be home in a week. No doubt she will drop back into our lives if and when she chooses to with the expectation of free bed and lodging and food with nothing in return. Based on past performance there will be no offers to assist with cooking meals, tidying the house, cleaning or whatever.

Now don't get me wrong, I would be more than happy for her to pack her things up and move out and make a life of her own. She is nearly 21 after all. I would celebrate this right of passage with her. However the current situation is full of uncertainty, we are being a crutch providing for someone who has no intention of getting a job as she prefers to live a Peter Pan existence of being forever young and having forever fun.

Time for a big change. Look out for the next post in the ToughLove for Teenagers series.

Inspiration to teenagers, all ages!!!

In memory of my mum.

This is not my usual blog post but I write this post in memory of my mum. Words cannot express the mixed emotions that I feel today. The quote below resonated with me.

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
by David Harkins

Thank you mum for your belief in us, for your support, love and encouragement. You will be in our hearts forever.