Toughlove: It starts with You!

Last weekend I was fortunate enough to attend a Toughlove conference in Melbourne, Australia.  “Toughlove is a parent support group, run by parents for parents experiencing difficulties with their children”. 

The purpose of the two day conference was to provide information, training and motivation to nurture future leaders of Toughlove.  It was a weekend where I experienced many mixed emotions, however a writing exercise brought together my thoughts and experiences culminating into an epiphany of inspired personal growth.

Given the first part of the sentence, I wrote the following.

The period of time in my life began when . . . . . . .

I allowed myself to let my daughter go.

 I was reminded of this moment when the following discussion question was asked “How long does it take toughlove to work?”  One of the people in the group responded to the question with “It starts working when we let it.”

We cannot change our children but we can change ourselves, but we can only change ourselves when we are open and allow ourselves to change.  Toughlove provides a supportive, caring, non-judgemental environment where we can feel safe to slowly and gradually explore different ways to implement change in ourselves which subsequently elicits change in other people’s behaviour towards us.

One of my favourite quotes reflects this.

“Be the change you want to see in the world” Mahatma Gandhi

It wasn’t until I gave myself permission to let my daughter go that I was able to grow and move forward.  Letting my daughter make her own decisions and experience the consequences, both good and bad, of her decisions, gave us both personal power and released me from the guilt and powerlessness that I had been feeling.

Toughlove

New Horizons

As the New Year began I considered what I wanted to achieve.  Feeling like I needed a project or something creative to inspire me and build my enthusiasm, I pondered returning to study, becoming involved in some sort of youth outreach or doing something creative on the home front such as sewing or photography. 

Being time poor with regard to adding anything new to my already busy life, it suddenly dawned on me to extend my current volunteering role in ToughLove to a leadership role.  Having been a member of ToughLove for over a year now I felt that it was time to take on new challenges and assist at a group leadership and perhaps Queensland Management level.  I have now had the title of Public Relations Officer for Corinda group bestowed upon me.  It is a great honour and one which I take very seriously.  I have always been enthusiastic about marketing and public relations especially when it is for a cause which I am passionate about.   I am a true advocate of ToughLove, the support and information which it provides.  It does work!!!  As Public Relations Officer for the group I will be promoting our group and the ToughLove program to schools and the community at large.

When I first came to ToughLove I was desperate for a solution as many other parents are, when faced with such challenges as teenager turmoil, drug or alcohol related violence and mental health, psychotic episodes, to name just a few.  I remember sitting patiently listening to the information given at orientation, all the while wanting a quick fix, an instant solution to turn my feral teenager back to the beautiful innocent little blue eyed girl she once was. 

Daughter finds freedom to fly

My ToughLove kid has turned a corner. Although in another city, she contacts me by phone or text message not because she wants something but because she wants to share with me some of her day to day life experiences. She is taking responsibility and making better life choices for herself. She has come a long way, struggling to eke out an existence, seeking ways for self improvement, looking after herself and maintaining her living environment.

She assists her community and herself through volunteering.

My daughter has grown wings to fly, building confidence and finding freedom to choose her own destiny.

I am so proud of you Kim. You have found who you are.

Teenagers, Turmoil and Tributes

This is not what I would normally put in a blog post, but as we approach Christmas, a time of celebration with family, it is also a time to reflect on the year as it draws to a close.

I have had many challenges this year particularly with the prodigal teenage daughter. This challenge continues but at least I have the additional support of other parents going through similar turmoil with their teenagers. I refer to Tough Love, a great group of volunteers who support each other while they battle the challenges of giving tough love to their teenagers who have made poor choices.

As I look outside it is again another grey and rainy day. About 6 weeks ago I felt compelled to write some words, words which were reflective of my mood at the time. I would like to share these with you…….

The world seems grey
The grey skies a reflection of my sorrow
The heavens weep tears for a soul who has left this mortal world
I am surrounded by people
Yet I feel so alone in my grief

I dedicate this blog post in memory of my mum, Pamela, who passed away on 30th September 2010 after a two year battle with cancer.

I have been blessed with the support of family and very good friends and work colleagues. I thank you all for your support during this very sad time. I wish you all a safe and happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year. I look forward to 2011 with renewed hope and an inner strength gained from the resilience of facing challenges thrust upon me during 2010.

Tough Love in progress!

Some time back I posted an article on Tough Love. While it has taken me a few months, I finally plucked up courage to attend my first Tough Love meeting. I was very impressed by the professional way the meeting was structured and run. After a very thorough induction process explaining the rules, guidelines and focus of the group, I joined the main group. While there were opportunities to share our own experiences, the focus of the evening was to learn new ways to build our own strategies with confidence and support of other parents going through similar situations. I have homework to do, a book to read (just a short one) and a goal for the week. I will keep you posted on my progress.

Tough Love for Teenagers

I started this blog as a sort of therapy and hopefully assistance to other parents going through the challenges of dealing with wayward teenagers. A very good friend of mine showed me an article in the Saturday newspaper recently. It was about a parent support group called Toughlove. This is just what I have been looking for and so I am sharing information from their website with you asI feel that it says it all. I have also put a link to their website in the links section.

TOUGHLOVE was started in the 1970's by Phyllis and David York. The Yorks were family therapists who worked in one of the most famous drug and alcohol rehabs of its time, training counselors, working with clients and their families, and conducting a private practice in addition to being State Drug and Alcohol Trainers for Pennsylvania.

While they were gaining acclaim as experts in their fields, they were suffering the same kinds of problems we all have here - their kids were out of control. They tried everything - counseling, therapy for the kids, themselves, the family, private school, judo lessons, riding lessons, getting tougher, more permissive, more understanding, etc.

Nothing worked, and things got worse until their daughter was arrested for armed robbery. Then the Yorks asked other adults to intervene for them. They took a STAND that said, "We will not tolerate a criminal in our house."