In memory of my mum.

This is not my usual blog post but I write this post in memory of my mum. Words cannot express the mixed emotions that I feel today. The quote below resonated with me.

“You can shed tears that she is gone,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she'll come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all she's left.
Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
or you can be full of the love you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember her only that she is gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind,
be empty and turn your back.
Or you can do what she'd want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.”
by David Harkins

Thank you mum for your belief in us, for your support, love and encouragement. You will be in our hearts forever.

Tough Love for teenagers - illusions, myths & fears

I have been to another toughlove support group meeting and have been inspired to write a blog post on the topic of discussion for the week - "Overcoming Obstacles", a chapter from the TOUGHLOVE PARENTS MANUAL written by Phillis & David York, Founders of Toughlove. The following are excerpts from the book.

How often do we as parents have visions or goals for our teenagers only to sit in disbelief as they go FERAL!!! These visions are illusions. Illusions made up from past and future hopes are something that we believe to be true even though the facts are different. For example my son the Dr just got arrested or my daughter the lawyer just dropped out of year 10. When we start accepting our teenager for what he/she is right now, drop out, drug user or whatever then we stop protecting them. It is up to the teenager to choose to either remain the same or choose a new role - college student, reformed drug user, shop assistant etc.

Myths
Parents shape their children.

Fact
Children are independent creatures who shape their own lives.

Fears
Most of us get run by our fears.

"If I lock my kid out he'll have to sleep outside and he'll catch pneumonia."

"All my relatives will know that I am not a good parent."

Your child has the right to own his/her own life, mistakes and all. Your fears prevent him/her from learning. Perhaps he/she might learn to love you.

Fears are defences against change, against newness. Fears trap and keep you in the same old patterns. Fears keep you helpless and overwhelmed.

Who else would you scare like this besides yourself?

I look forward to going to my toughlove support group as they encourage, teach, inspire and support me and each other in one of the most difficult roles which we will ever play in our lives - Parenting teenagers. Thank you toughlove buddies for your tremendous support for me and each other while you are all going through your own toughlove challenges. You are truly awesome people!

Tough Love for teenagers continues

In November I wrote about going to my first Tough Love Support group meeting. I have been to several meetings since then and now feel very at home in this supportive environment. Each week this group offers support and an opportunity to debrief after a challenging week with a troubled teenager. Also each week there is an opportunity to learn more about how we communicate with each other. last week was my turn to research a topic and present it to the group. It wasn't such a daunting task as it involved reading through the book and finding an area which was of interest to me, something that I could share with the group.

One of the subjects I chose to speak about was Personal Power.

Personal Power - ability to control your own life and influence your own environment. It is NOT about controlling others and making them do what you want.

Personal Power is about
• Making choices
• Developing alternatives
• Setting limits
• Refusing to be treated inconsiderately
• Developing support for yourself
• Acting rather than reacting
• Giving up taking responsibility for others
• Giving up accepting consequences for others

Near the end of the chapter that I had researched were the following words

YOU ARE NOT LOOKING FOR THEIR APPROVAL
YOU ARE LOOKING FOR THEIR COOPERATION

These words resonated with me as did the words of our support group leader when he spoke about valuing ourselves.

I suddenly realised that I had actually been trying to seek approval from all of my teenagers for the decisions that I needed to make. Time to rethink, regain strength and value myself as a parent and as a person.

www.toughlove.org.au/

Brisbane Floods 2011 - the cleanup begins

This is not something which I would normally put on my blog however these are unusual times. Wherever you are in the world you have probably heard by now about the floods that have swept through parts of Australia. I live in Brisbane and this is a brief account of what I saw today as I ventured out into the flood affected areas.

I must admit to feeling slightly guilty for being on the roads and driving through the devastation today albeit for legitimate reasons of checking on my in-laws who, though not directly affected by flood, had been without power and will be continue to be without power for quite sometime, while those less fortunate around them begin the cleanup of their homes. The sight of homes with brown, sludgy, lawns strewn with mud covered furniture and possessions was emotionally overwhelming. Streets were filled with parked cars belonging to volunteers eagerly helping residents to sift through possessions to find any salvagable items. I saw volunteers, wearing fluro vests and Id badges, being shuttled by city council buses to areas where they were needed. There is a massive cleanup in progress which will take months to complete. People are doing an incredible job and I commend volunteers and those organising this massive cleanup for their compassion, dedication and leadership.

Teenager takes to the streets, mum terrified

So I finally plucked up courage to take the 17 year old son out driving. I figured that he had close to 50 hours of driving time under his belt, mostly with a driving instructor, it should be safe. Hmmmm.... Actually he is quite a good driver but it is the fact that you are seated in the passenger seat with no control over the situation at all and you just hope that they have the sense to drive safely and calmly without too much stalling of car or dare devil driving. We had an hour and a half driving time over the weekend and I am sure there will be a lot more driving during the week.

Teenagers, Turmoil and Tributes

This is not what I would normally put in a blog post, but as we approach Christmas, a time of celebration with family, it is also a time to reflect on the year as it draws to a close.

I have had many challenges this year particularly with the prodigal teenage daughter. This challenge continues but at least I have the additional support of other parents going through similar turmoil with their teenagers. I refer to Tough Love, a great group of volunteers who support each other while they battle the challenges of giving tough love to their teenagers who have made poor choices.

As I look outside it is again another grey and rainy day. About 6 weeks ago I felt compelled to write some words, words which were reflective of my mood at the time. I would like to share these with you…….

The world seems grey
The grey skies a reflection of my sorrow
The heavens weep tears for a soul who has left this mortal world
I am surrounded by people
Yet I feel so alone in my grief

I dedicate this blog post in memory of my mum, Pamela, who passed away on 30th September 2010 after a two year battle with cancer.

I have been blessed with the support of family and very good friends and work colleagues. I thank you all for your support during this very sad time. I wish you all a safe and happy Christmas and a prosperous New Year. I look forward to 2011 with renewed hope and an inner strength gained from the resilience of facing challenges thrust upon me during 2010.

Teenager adds mum on Facebook

You know that you have your teenagers trust when they add you as a friend on Facebook. This happened last week when my youngest child finally allowed me to become her Facebook friend. I have been very careful not to betray that trust by reframing from writing comments that may embarrass her. In fact I haven't been game to write or comment on anything at the moment. She has been waiting for me to write about her in my blog and so here is her opportunity to shine and be a feature in my blog. At age 15 she is a very focussed young lady wanting to become a personal trainer. She is embarking on study next year to achieve that goal. She assures me that she will be dedicated and focused and be better at getting her homework and assignments done in time. She has a great passion for helping kids who struggle with weight problems and I am sure she will achieve this goal. Rachel's aim is to be on "The Biggest Loser" as the coach. So move over Michelle, Rachel has her sights set. I am extremely proud of my daughter and wish her well in her future study and career.